I Do Want To Be Your Friend

As I have struggled with Anxiety for so many years, I have also struggled with friendships as well. I want to hang out with people, I want to go on weekend girls trips, I want to be a part of a friend group that does life together but I am too scared to get too close. Don’t get me wrong, I do have some close friends that I love very much, but I keep my distance from them. If I am invited to go do anything, I either come up with an excuse of why I can’t go or I have to drive my self to where ever it is we are going. I am afraid of those anxious feelings of being trapped with no escape. I am frightened by the “fight or flight” feeling that comes over me in many situations. I let that fear control me and my life. It is maddening and I honestly don’t know how to over come it. I want to desperately live life without fear but what does that look like? Fear and anxiety have been my unwanted companion for so long, I don’t know what it feels like not to have it and who I am without it. So, I do want to be your friend and want to have a close relationship with you, but I am scared to. I, just like everyone else, long for that companionship.

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My dear High School Friend at my 30th Birthday Party.

I envy people that live life, go on fabulous vacations (or any vacation for that matter), go on girl trips, take day trips to see friends or family that live driving distance away, go to weddings, go to watch their child play a volleyball, basketball, or football games, who genuinely enjoy life. I wonder what it is like to get in the car anxious free and drive to a destination. I long for a feeling of settledness and peace. I hate where I am at emotionally and feel at a loss as to how to fix it. After 15 years of trying medication, praying, reading God’s Word, and self help programs, I am beginning to think this is my cross to bear. This must be what God has intended for my life, why? I have no idea, but it sucks.

I am sorry, this post is just where I am at right now, it’s definitely not inspirational or have any kind of answers.

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