Moments Lost

I was taking my youngest daughter to school today and received a text from a dear friend that made many memories of mom guilt and regret flood over me. It was not her intention at all to make me a blubbering mess, she was just observing the fact that our children are growing up and life around our houses are changing as mothers. She mentioned that it is so joyous to watch

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Christmas 2005

them grow up yet it made her ache for the moments wasted. And that’s where she got me, moments wasted. I look back at my children’s early toddler and elementary years and ache at the things I didn’t do with and for them. The mornings that I slept in until the last possible moment to fix the girls’ hair (had to keep up appearances that everything was all good) and take them to school. While I lay in be dreading to get up and face the day, my girls would get themselves dressed, brush their teeth, fix their lunches and make themselves breakfast. Oh the guilt and now the tears. I look back now and realize that my mental state in those days was not good for me or my children, but I continued to hide it out of shame and pride. I missed so many conversations, so many morning hugs, so many teachable moments. I loved and still love my girls more than life itself and I hope they know that, because my actions back then only displayed neglect and selfishness.

I cling to fact that they have forgiven me so easily and freely without a grudge. I cherish the days we have together now and am so thankful for the relationships that we have. It is my prayer that I can continue to be present in their lives and not allow my worries and fears dictate what I do and how I feel. For so long anxiety has ruled my life and it is so exhausting and such a hopeless feeling. I continue to seek and find hope in God, which is a struggle all of its own.

If my girls ever read this, please know that I love you and I am sorry for not being the mom that God created me to be. You both are definitely my greatest achievement. I am proud of all that you do and am honored to be your mom.

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